I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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