My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
