She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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