We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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