If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
