My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
