the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
