I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
