There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
