True but thats because hes a fetus.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
