Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
