There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
