I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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