I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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