Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
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