Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
You are the jesus of drinking
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
