My nipple is on Facebook.
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
