I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
