i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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