ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
