I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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