I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
