Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
