btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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