So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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