Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
