if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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