so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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