You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
