im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
