the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
