I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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