i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
