I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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