Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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