3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
accomplished twins. life is a go
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize