Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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