WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
The beer is more important than you right now.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
