When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
