so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You are the jesus of drinking
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
