I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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