if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
