I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
