I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
