So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
