Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
