How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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