Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
