I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize