I seem to have left my pride at pride
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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