i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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