sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
