I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
