I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Randomize
