Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I think I sprained my soul last night
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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