Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
