you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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