No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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