He disabled his match.com account in front of me
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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