she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
