Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
