My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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