yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
there is glitter all over my balls
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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