dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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