I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
