btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
